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Merry Churisutumasu: Redux Evolution

December 25, 2016

Chibi Ursa and Helios were very sad. Everyone they knew was dead, and it was Christmas Eve. They sat alone in a café in Siberia. Suddenly a guy with a parka yelling homophobic slurrs came out of the bushes and shot Helios!

“No!” cried Chibi Ursa bitterly, now she was truly alone in the darkness of the mind’s cosmos.

“Hahahahahahahaha how your pussy fucks yourself!” mocked Donald Trump evilly, he was nearby drinking beer.

Chibi Ursa then took out a horn clipper and threw it at his crotch, utterly annihilating it in a shredded blending of gore as his genitals turned into red mist, then red snow, then a red glacier. Lots of bats and rats entered through his exposed urethra, stretching it in a bulbous way kind of like opossum joeys in the pouch, except there was BLOOD and PUS, red and green like the colours of SANTA, accept more dirty.

Well anyways a dimensional portal appeared, and out of it came………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..USAGI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“WTF?1” said Chibi Ursa wonderingly.

“Chibi Ursa, you must save this timeline!” said Serena, she had an ipatch like Danger Mouse, “Santa plans to return with an army of the damned! I managed to defeat him in this universe, but for that reason there are now TWO Santas in HELL and they fused together!”

“OFMG does that mean everyone else is alive in your world?” asked Chibi Ursa happily.

“No, the Guardians killed them all before they joined Justice League Dark” said Usag sandly, “There is no time! We must reach the obsidian temple before-”

Suddenly, a spring of lava springed out of the ground, spearing Serena from her pussy to her brains! Her organs were blackened by the heat and expelled noxious gases, burning her skin to a dark crisp and inflating her fingertips like fleshy balloons (kind of like those bubbles you get when you touch a lamp, only more plastic) and exploded her phalanges in a shower of bloody vapour, her nails being projected thousands of miles into the earth’s crust, leaving tunnels that were quickly filled by molten rock.

From these tunnels came an evil red smoke, followed by hands of rock. Chibi Ursa couldn’t believe it……………………………………………………………………………..LAVA ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They ated Serena’s corpse, and then began to sprout tendrils, that began to sew them together, until they formed……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………SANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Ho ho ho merry FUCKING cHRISTMAS!” said Santa, punching Chibi Ursa in the face, obliterating her jaw into a billion butterfly-like shards and sending her flying miles away, destroying entire mountain ranges.

It seemed like defeat. Lava zombies, demons, gorgons and Rockettes came out of the earth and ate people, raped children with kitchen utensils and bribed politicians to increase global warming. All snow melted, and Christmas seemed ruined. Santa walked all over Asia before he sat in his lava throne in Japan, causing earthquakes all over the Earth. Chibi Ursa kept flying all over the planet, obliterating everything in her path, serving the very evil she sought to destroy. To make things bad, her jaw got infected with necrosis, and her tongue became a white, shriveled sack of pus.

But she remembered. She remembered her friends, their smiles, the Christmas spent together. She remembered the joy, the unity, the communism. She remembered the snowy winters, the snowbite and the snowforst, and how it dulls the senses and the ego.

And she did not give up.

“By the power of Christmas, I will defeat you Santa!” she declared.

And a miracle happened. Her jaw, she got a new jaw………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………MADE OF ICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Sweet, now I can eat any mexican food I want!” she chirped happily, clapping her hands like a baby of righteousness.

She used her new found cryokinesis to freeze time and space, so she slowed down and repaired all the damage she had caused. All the undead looked at her, but she blew an icy kiss and they all froze to DEATH, their lava turned into blue ICE.

“What is the meaning of this!?” yelled Santa, who rose from his evil throne and caused a lava torrent to project all the way to the Moon with every step he took.

“Santa, your evil christian ways will end!” said Chibi Ursa, “Surrender or return to the HELL from where you came!”

Satan got MAD, and he casted a spell, melting the earth and turning it into reindeer of lava and molten metal. But all Chibi Ursa had to do was to send a blizzard, and they all died.

“GRRRR, you shall PAY!” growled Santa, and he took off his pants and masturbated!

He ejaculated pure black ash-like semen into the earth, and it began to shake. Suddenly, a Rudolph made of lava came! Chibi Ursa summoned another blizzard, but Rudolph had a nose made of the Earth’s core!

“Ho ho ho if you attack then the entire planet will die!” cackled Santa evilly as he ate his cum.

Chibi Ursa thought a bit. Then she had an idea!

“Rudolph, if all other reindeer are made of lava, doesn’t that mean your nose isn’t special anymore?” asked Chibi Ursa piercingly?

Rudolph’s eyes widened. All the suffering, all the bullying, was meaningless now. He had an identity crisis! He stared blankly, lost in his own thoughts.

This was all it took for Chibi Ursa to jump on his head and take off his molten gold obsidian antlers. She could touch them became she froze her hands, so there was a heat imbalance and lightning flew everywhere. She focused all the lightning on the antlers, then jumped out of Rudolph into Santa!

“Santa, your ass belongs to HITLER!”

“No!” cried Sainta, but it was too late!

Then she stabbed him in the head, ripping his skull apart and frying his brains with lightning, making him clinically retarded and shit his internal organs. He died, and his corpse became Usagi’s.

Chibi Ursa buried her mother in the molten earth, which then cooled down and became ice. It quickly covered the entire planet, quenching the fires and bringing a white Christmas even to the tropics.

She returned the antlers to Rudolph, and the two sat together on a glacier, enjoying each other’s company. They were the only family both of them had left.

Amen.

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