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JohnHammond: Revenge Of Darkness

November 26, 2014

Once upon a time there was an evil, ugly, fat old man with white beard and clothes called John Hammond.

“HAW HAW HAW I’m so evil I’m going to make a park full of…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….DINOSAURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he cackled evilly and meanly like a mutant whale smashed by bananas of despondency and irresponsibility.

But he too got dead because in the end he was only human. But he was so evil and mad that his spirit got out of Tuonela and possessed his body again, so his coffin exploded the grave like a rocket and launched into space, and he flew all over the world until he landed on Isla Nublar. There he landed on that even uglier Ian Malcom, who was buying pretzels on the kiosk, smashing his carcasse. Bone shards flew everywhere, stabbing tourists and corrupting them with Malcom’s demon flesh, turning them into orcs.

“Yes my minions, seize this foul place and release ALL THE DINOSAURS HAW HAW HAW!!!!!!!!!” said John Hammond, still inside his coffin.

“But why do you want to do that, isn’t this your DREAM!?” asked Billy, who was tied to a fence dressed only in pink panties for being stupid and subjectively attractive.

“Yes, but in order for the unambiguously predominantly hylic-dominated humanity to achieve gnosis and henceforth henosis via connection to the supramundane, ever stratificating sophian divine from which we have been unlawfully seperated by a leontoeidic demiurgic figure as exuberantly demonstrated in the gospels, as well as his therocephalic archontic servants, one must engage in the heliacal ascent proposed in neopythagorean oracles” John Hammond explained wisely.

“Oh” said Billy understandedly.

So the orcs released all the dinosaurs, which began rampaging. Nobody cared because they were disinterested in ugly abominations like a chiken’s fowl doom, a hateful testament to Hammond’s gnostikoi words, so the dinosaurs went to sleep, as evident in psychological treatises in which ignoring = successful avoidance of bullying. But that made Hammond very MAD!

“YOU FOOLS, YOU MUST PULVERISE THE OLD INSTITUTIONS SO THAT THERE IS A RENEWAL OF THE HEKATIC CONTRIVANCES OF TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he cried devilfully like a tree of madness.

“Hammond, you seem upset” said a sinister voice from behind, “I am the CEO of the Masrani corporation. Maybe we oughta discuss business over tea?”

John Hammond’s skull eyebrow raised, but he turned around nonetheless, and his jaw fell off in shock! It was………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………SCROOGE MCDUCK!!!!!!!!!

“i WOULD NEVER DISCUSS ANY BUSINESS WITH you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” said John Hammond indignantly.

“Fine, then you shall be ANIHILATED!” laughed Scrooge McDuck evilly, gathering energy for his kamahameha.

But Hammond simply laughed, and his coffin began to glow with darkness energy of the colour pink (AN: isn’t it weird nearly all darkness spells are either pink or purple instead of, you know, black?), and fired a laser of pure pink blackness at Scrooge! Scrooge’s head was blasted off in a carnicerous shower of cancerous feathers and avian cholera, but then it regenerated!

“That is the limit of your power? You are no overseer, but you may forfeit it like an old fart!” the evil duck said meanly.

The two then began to fight, firing lasers beams everywhere and making atomic explosions, destroying the park and anihilating dinosaurs, orcs, humans and ballerinas everywhere. Isla Nublar began to tear itself apart, marred by the evil of the two MEN, and Alan Grant’s crotch was set on fire because of Scrooge’s kamehameha.

“No, my patriarchal organ of pus!” and he ripped out his own face and died.

All hope seemed to be lost, but it was not! Lex, Tim and Kelly were there to save the day!

“I’m going to program the park’s security, they have weapons off mass destruction we can use!” said Lex smartly.

“And I’m going to engage the evil old farts with my athletic skills!” said Kelly gymnastically.

“Good, now be careful as I do the thing!” Tim said foreshadowingly.

So Lex run to the operation systems, but they were full of traps like lasers and tar pits! She took out a grappling gun from her pocket and jumped of them, but the doorways were full of evil scientists!

“HAW HAW HAW we have no morals and genetically engineer as we please!” said the evil scientists evilly.

Meanwhile, Kelly used her gymnastics rope to grapple a sky scrapper and project herself at the speed of light and collide with Scrooge McDuck, karate chopping his head off, sending it flying to the depths of the ocean. Then, she used the momentum of his rapidly rotating body to propell herself at the speed of neutrinos towards Hammond’s coffin, kicking it right in the center, but to her dismay it only cracked slightly. The sheer momentum of that impact send her plummeting towards the earth, making a huge crater that almost hit the mantle, sending half of Isla Nublar into the oceanic depths. She was alive, because the power of friendship was stronger than the evil of physics.

“HAW HAW HAW thou shalt DIE!” cackled Hammond hatefully, and he began firing a laser of pure purple darkness.

But just then Lex killed all the scientists with the Torah and activated the weapons of mass destruction, a gigantic laser cannon that fired gamma radiation. The coffin wasn’t destroyed, but was sent all the up up to the Moon god’s armpits. But Scrooge McDuck was still on the loose!

“You FOOLS, friendship and teamwork are for FOOLS!” he said evilly, preparing his super corrupted kamehameha of pink/purple energy.

But just then Tim did THE THING! His torso cracked in half, revealing a bloody mess of tentacles that began assimilating the dinosaurs! Soon, a mass organic fleshy ugly bloody mass of organs, limbs, eyes and other things made of dinosaurs and orcs covered what remained of the island, Tim’s vaguely humanoid body full of eyes and mouths at the center. It connected to the laser cannon, lending it all the energy of the tormented souls, making it even more powerful. Finally, Kelly jumped from her crater and landed right on the tip of the cannon, and began focusing energy.

“Faith!” shouted Lex.

“Hope!” shouted Kelly.

“Charity!” shouted Tim’s mouths.

“With the power of friendship, all evils of the world disappear. FORTITUDE TEMPERANCE JUSTICE PRUDENCE HEAVEN KAMI BEAM!” they all shouted.

And thus the cannon fired an immensely powerful beam of white light hotter than all the stars in the galaxy combined, which completely incenerated our heroes and most of the Americas and the Pacific Ocean, but the sheer energy and power and light of all holy virtues was enough to completely slaughter Scrooge McDuck and John Hammond. They were pulverised down to atomic level, then down to protons and electrons, then down to their quarks, then they were completely erased from existence, not even their spiritual and akashic signatures remaining. Like a bad drawing, they were erased by the erasure of existence, of light, not even remnants of the nightmare they once were. No Heaven nor Hell, just cessation of reality.

The Moon god then rebuilt the earth, and everyone was happy forever.

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