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If All Dogs Go To Heaven…

November 16, 2014

For Charlie, it was a bittersweet day. The time had come when the human girl whom he once cared for, Anne-Marie, had finally passed on. His heart felt heavy, as the notion of death still lingered in his once-mortal mind, but he was reassured. Now, she’d be with him for all eternal history, beyond all time.
“You should come us” said Annabelle kindly, “She would be delighted to see you first.”
Charlie fought back some tears, and nodded.
“Yeah, she would.”
So he, her and Itchy descended from the Heavens. A portal of light appeared, taking them to the human world. As the clouds gave away to reveal the distant ground bellow, Charlie was disheartened to see a cemetery, but he endured. She wouldn’t want to see him cry, damnit! They approached, and he could already see a coffin, before a white marble grave.
“It’s her!” Itchy said excitedly.
Indeed, the coffin was about as big as necessary for a child. Before it, a nun clad in white read from the holy scriptures, as if rehearsing for a sermon to be delivered in the main ceremony. There was something strange about her, but Charlie didn’t care. He hastened his flight, his radiance bathing the earth from afar and making flowers and other vegetation grow everywhere.
Just as he and his friends were a few tens of meters above the cemetery, something strange happened, that would change his fate forever. It all happened very rapidly, but Charlie still saw the fundamentals. The nun threw off the scriptures – sacrilege! -, jumped in his direction, drew a purple circle in the air, passed through said circle, took off her clothes and her naked body was soon enveloped by her hair, growing vast like vines. Before long, it formed into a new set of clothes, a black skin-tight suit that resembled leather but was much more ornate and intricate, with silvery decorations and extravagant features.
“My, you must be quite desperate if you send in dogs” she said mockingly.
Annabelle then shouted in a strange tongue Charlie never heard before, and released a deadly burst of golden light at the woman. She missed, and suddenly time stopped in it’s tracks, as if Charlie was emersed in a thick liquid. His mind remained at normal pace, however, and he saw the woman pull out a flaming snake-like whip and strike at Annabelle. With each strike, the angelic dog’s skin fell off as if it was porcelain, and while Charlie was prepared for gore – he had, after all, killed many in his career as a casino owner -, what he saw was a much more horrendous visage. He saw pulsing, bulbous flesh of many colours, alien musculature incomparable to any canine morphology and mechanical bones. As the whip stroke Annabelle’s face, her canine disguised fell off to reveal countless slit-pupiled eyes, several tentacles and a voice box where her mouth should be. Even her feathered wings turned out to be supported by biomechanical structures, that looked like a bloody version of the wing supports children use in schoolplays.
A final strike, and Annabelle began to glow with a fiery golden, and she exploded in light and blood, vanishing forever, leaving only a halo that the witch collected. Time returned to normal, and Charlie was utterly dumfounded. Was this how angels truly looked like? The woman then attacked Itchy, and as she stroke his flank it was confirmed that yes, that’s how angels looked like. He too was a pulsing, ugly, lovecraftian monstrosity beneath that halo and feathers. His body was more bloody than Annabelle’s, but he also had disturbing red eyes in his snout and neck, no lower jaw and an energy emiter where his throat should be. Once his disgusting, horrendous flesh was all exposed, the witch saw fit to subject him to a far worse end:
“BIAH MICMA!” she shouted, and a massive iron maiden appeared in the sky, where she shoved Itchy, destroying him forever.
She too collected Charlie’s best friend’s halo. But before she could attack him, another heavenly gate formed in the sky, and from it came a much larger angel. It was enormous, the size of a bus at least, completely white and with many pairs of golden wings along its reptilian body. With a cherubic face underneath an eye-less pair of massive jaws, the creature was beautiful yet horrifying, and Charlie didn’t even want to know what was inside. Yet, it seemed familiar somehow.
“Let’s make music together, let’s make sweet harmony” King Gator sang, every bit as melodiously as in his mortal form.
Suffice to say, the witch wasted no time and jumped at him, evading his laser beams and slowing down time again, gradually stripping him off his marble coil. Charlie didn’t want to see it, so he flew as fast as he could to the ground, towards Anne-Marie’s grave. Panic coursed through his veins, and he not so much opened the coffin as broke it with his newfound photokinetic capacities.
Empty. The coffin was empty all along.
“No, this can’t be happening, this can’t be real!” he cried desperately, golden tears running down his canine face.
Angrily, he decided to prove it so, ripping off the skin of his left foreleg with his teeth. Surprisingly, he felt no pain, and with horror he discovered a largely mechanical bone framework, with alien tendons pulling the osseous contraptions. In a fit of euphoria, he ripped off the rest of his skin, and looked at a nearby pond. His true appearence was so revolting that he couldn’t help but bend down and vomit, even if he hadn’t actually eaten anything, barfing out his tears and his emotions.
“Please, God, make me wake up…” he cried.
Suddenly, darkness enveloped him, as a demonic portal opened. From it came a form, bound by and oscured by black hair, but unmistakeably familiar nonetheless.
“My my, Charlie, you look positively disgusting” said Carface, his body now more mascular than ever, and appearently naked if not for the hair.
Before Charlie could protest, Carface punched him, sending a shockwave of pain as his internal organs were ruptured and his bones broken. Carface’s hands then grasped his body and his left foreleg, and he slowly pulled them apart, before hacking it off with a single thrust.
“You will pay dearly, Charlie boy” he grinned evilly and meanly.
And indeed, Charlie did. Carface slowly tore his body apart, slowly pulled off every tendon and broke every bone. Charlie fought none of his cruel and wicked deeds. He felt lied to, he felt betrayed and scared, and he wasn’t sure if he could handle it anymore. Even if he survived, he would never be able to live with the horrendous knowledge he gained that day. So, he willed himself away, and with some final tears, he too exploded in light and gore.
“Bravo!” Bayonetta said, “I’m truly impressed.”
“You did very well for your first time” Jeanne congratulationed proudly.
“Thanks, I tried my best” Anne-Marie said, blushing, but with pride welling in her heart.
The three of them head out to celebrate with rare chocolates and caviar. Yes, this was a moment of celebration, for after 500 years, the Umbran way was reborn.


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