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Fire Lord Shen: The Book of Metal

May 3, 2012

Darkness. Darkness all around him. Yet there was consciousness, flickering across the neocortex, still intact.

Shen felt the hard ground beneath him. Ouch.

It felt overwhelmingly real, really. Smooth, faultless, yet hard. He tried to stand up, but his wings were hurting very, very much. He tried to open his eyes, and saw himself seeing blurrs, everywhere. He heard strange noises, but could not comprehend. Finally, something grabbed his wings, and consciousness was gone, again.

“Amasing! I thought they were extinct!”

Shen stood up. He was lying on a table, it seemed. Standing up was easy; his legs were good.

Gasps.

“Thanks the spirits! I thought he’d be dead!”

For the first time, Shen opened his eyes. He screamed at the sight, and flew away, leaving four dead nurses and one zoologist with metal feathers on their necks.

He was in a sort of palace, so familir, yet so alien, with humans walking around. Were they not extinct?

Shen flew all the way to the top pagoda. Sure, if they are extinct, then this must be the afterlife!

He looked around, and saw the tranquility of industrial smoke clouding the heavens. Darkness, darkness everywhere. Such is the beauty of pollution, destroying the unholy blue of the sky. He felt at home, and thus sick. Gongmen was long gone, he ll he had was this pitiful replica.

“Hey you, come down here!” shouted an ugly old woman wearing a samurai armour clad in crimson and peach.

Shen darted away when a torrent of flame nearly killed him. Why was fire turning against him? Was it a cruel joke of karma so sardonic?

He had enough, and fired metal feathers everywhere. To his relief, all human beings in sight were dead. All except one: a woman clad in emperial clothes, black, red and gold, elborately turned up like deranged pagoda, witness to pale white as Shen’s feathers, and eyes golden like raw metal.

“Where am I?” the peacock crowed.

“You are in the Fire Nation, vile bird. You will not massacre my people any longer, or your feathers will still be white, but in the same way as the Sun.”

Shen considered. He had nothing to loose, so he descended, landing near this womanoid monarch.

Life in the Fire Nation court was decent, though no resident felt complete. Firebenders are inately driven to seek power, so everyone in the court, Shen included, was constantly debating, seeking to increase in position. Now that the Fire Nation was not a global power, power was at stake more than ever. Shen was triumphant over the others, assassinating or banishing competitors left and right, until he was the Fire Lord’s second in command.

Today was a very special day; the monarch’s father was visiting.

“Shen, I desire that you do not interfere” said the wise woman, “Or else you will meet the fate of all previous second-in-commands!”

“As you wish, my lady” Shen bowed, hiding disgust beneath a smile.

He walked away to his room. One day, he thought, one day the Fire Nation would be his! He entered his room; it looked just like his old laboratory, where he tested fire work chemicals. There was bed nor furniture, just a table filled with multiple chemicals, a canon, and a massive cauldron shaped like a crater. He flew to the canon, where he slept.

“Shen, you are requested at the dinner table” said an old servant, who disappeared as fast as she could, lest Shen had perfurated her throat with a metal feather.

Shen flew to the dinner table, and sat right next to the Fire Lord. It’d be so great if he could just kill her like that, but she was very smart, like a drunk kitsune.

“Father, this is my second-in-command Shen. He used to be my advisor, but he wanted a higher position.”

“Nice to meet you, Shen”, said Zuko.

“Nice to meet you si…”

Shen was amased. Zuko was such a magnificient man! Even in his advanced age – 80-something -, he still looked 19! His sacr was now dark gray in colour, and the only old thing about his face; the rest of it was smooth like a peach’s skin, his dark hair still dark as the midnight, with metalic white reflexes like stars! His golden eyes were penetrating, perfurating Shen’s psyche like a drill of Eros’ design.

Shen jumped across the table and sitted next to Zuko.

“Why, helo there, god among humanity” Shen said seductively.

“Shen! It is forbidden to flirt with my father!”

“Nonsense! Otherwise how were you born? Were you shatted out of the universe!”

“THAT’S IT!” the Fire Lord shouted, “Get the fuck out of my palace!”

“My daughter, don’t be so rude, your feathered friend is quite nice.”

“But father!”

“No buts. Now, Shen, do you really think I’m that hot?”

“Most surely indeed!”

“Then, I have to show you the sacred gardens of magnolias in the fire palace!”

The two walked outside, hand in hand, apreciating the fine textures of each other’s integrument.

***

Meanwhile, in outer space, in a planet in a parallel dimension nobody knows where it is, Oogway laughed maniacally. He was in a bubble of pure dark matter, fueled by raped children, emiting blinding lights that killed everyone in that planet, even Gandhi! He sat on an orange tree, shitting toxic fumes that destroyed it and created an assimilatory alien organism that takes the appearence of it’s prey!

“By the powers of God, I summon my loyal subject, Darth Shifu!”

Suddenly, a blast of white lightning and pink darkness appeared, and out of it came a red panda wearing a green kimono, pink high heels, brown lipstick, purple eyeliner and pig tails.

“Darth Shifu, our enemy Lord Shen has arrived to the realms of the Avatar! Murder them all! HAW HAW HAW!!!!”

Darth Shifu giggled like an old woman with diarrhea, and jumped sexily into a golden portal. He appeared on Ba Sing Se’s courtroom!

“As it was foretold!” said Teo, wearing a black kimono, white socks, pink sandals, purple lipstick and golden eyeliner, “I enever thought ancient superstition would be correct!”

“None of that matters now, for you will all die!” giggled Darth Shifu.

Teo grabbed his wheel chair’s armrest and clicked on a cyan button, and a wall of metal emerged. Darth Shifu then used his inner peace bullshit, and a torrent of flames destroyed the metal. He grabbed Teo by the nose.

“Silly Teo, all your science is no match for God and the Force!”

And with an evil cackle, he lightningbended into Teo’s head, exploding it into a billion butterfiles of blood, bone and brain.

Darth Shifu then teleported into the Fire Nation.

***

“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” said Zuko, caressing Shen’s head feathers.

“Yes, but it is no match for your glory.”

Zuko then began to cry.

“D-did I say something wrong?” asked Shen worried.

“No, it’s just that you remind me so much of Mai.”

“She’d be proud you’re moving on.”

“I know, I know.”

Zuko wiped away his tears, and kissed Shen’s beak with all the fiery passion in the world. Both were one, in that moonless night, among the magnolias, who cried tears of petals at the beauty of romance.

“Well well well, if it isn’t so fucking pretty” giggled Darth Shifu.

“Shen and Zuko turned their heads in shock.

“First you prevent me from taking over China, now you want to stop me from loving someone!? What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“I have a message from Oogway. The Avatar will die. You will die. All your souls will be in Hell, to fuel Heaven’s might, so that Yahweh might destroy the world! HAW HAW HAW!”

Furious, Shen jumped at Darth Shifu, bombarding his metaç feathers, but Darth Shifu was faster, and the inoccent magnolias were murdered by the metal!

“Now my turn!” giggled Darth Shifu.

He began to move his arms in a stoned way, and leashes of pink darkness formed and attacked everyone! Thanfully, Zuko firebended and destroyed the leashes. He then punched Darth Shifu’s face while firebending.

“How dare you!?” said Darth Shifu, “You ruined my lipstick!”

“Oh, your lipstick will be the least of your concerns, Sith bitch!”

Shen then flew sexily into the sky and bombarded billions of metal feathers, utterly destroying Darth Shifu.

Shen landed on Zuko’s arms, who hugged him close.

“My love, I have to conquer the world, or else Oogway will kill the Avatar!”

“I wish there was some other way, but I agree with you. Tomorrow, I’ll send you to Republic City. Korra will help you.”

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